Author: Cody Swann

12/26/12 8:13am – 12/27/12 2:53am

had I loved you unconditionally

you never come to me as more than a
passing thought.
so why now after all this time?
you, someone that i called close.
you, that will not be coming back.
you were my first introduction to
departure.
you made me aware of mortality.
were you not sent here to do so?

after you left what grudge is there
left to hold onto?
how can i stay mad in memorial?
so far i’ve refused to say goodbye
or celebrate the good.
i am ashamed of my presence
not made at your funeral.
no respects paid to a mother who was
& still is to you somewhere.

had i loved you unconditionally maybe
i could have saved you.
but only so many footprints would fit
on this body before it became obvious a
doormat is what you were after.
you asked for forgiveness when i had
none to offer.
& now that i do it must be used to forgive
myself for not forgiving you soon enough.

12/24/12 5:25pm – 1/8/13 8:37pm

would you mind?

would you mind taking our photo?
were some family you haven’t met
i really appreciate you doing this
your kindness we won’t soon forget
the picture will just take a second
& another to get everyone set

could you make sure were all in the shot
before giving any count to three’s?
kill two birds and check for smiling
while we all push in & squeeze
to kill a third turn off the flash
so not a red eye shows up after cheese

should you come just shy of greatness
you will be asked to take it again
because in you I’ve seen potential
that’s not visible in all men
what do you mean yes, you mind is a no?
only with english could this happen

12/24/12 3:47am – 1/22/13 3:23am

office hours
(the incomplete works)

your trying to contain writing within a set of hours
so far it’s been between leaving & landing on your pillow
its only the near future that sees if you won’t or will though
& anyway it’s spun you’ll wind up needing a cold shower

how convenient it must be to come & go as you please
clocking in mid-conversation & then out with much of ease
when anytime becomes the time to get words off your chest
you’ll only laugh in retrospect once you give it a rest

there are much worse things than thoughts that you could be out collecting
but now that you’ve returned i see you’ve written about writing
with those distant looking eyes just how can i keep inviting?
when you may keep me around just to write about neglecting

12/21/12 4:37pm – 12/9/13 2:22am

i’m broke (it’s christmas)
(tongues coated in fools gold)

i know it’s not what you really wanted
but it’s about the best that i could do
given that holidays of the haunted
and stuffed birds have broke my wallet in two

and that would be fine if it wasn’t for
you children’s still growing expensive taste
your tongues coated in fools gold cry for more
while letting youth on the young go to waste

leftovers and candy of the haunted
for each gold tongue’s name checked not once but two
i know it’s not not getting what you wanted
that took the belief in me out of you

there was a time before you gold tongues began
back when children knew the names of my reindeer
before my likeness was on a soda can
not a gold tongue was stirring that you could hear

12/20/12 9:40pm – 12/21/12 3:50am

nothing’s wrong
(unaware of itself at that)
(a face without expression)

you may find it hard to believe
this is the way a face could look
after breathing sighs of relief
when most look happy off the hook

this is no face of depression
that you’re getting a good look at
it’s a face without expression
unaware of itself at that

12/20/12 12:51pm -12/21/12 4:19am

to return to cursive
(take her name as a sign)

yours is the first name written that’s
convinced me to return to cursive.
somehow i’d managed to only print
your name after all this time.

but never again even if asked to.
i turned away once before & will take
her name as a sign to not think of
trying it once more.

my own signiature sitting beside her’s
seems misplaced in comparison.
i simply must throw muscle memory
out the window & start from scratch.

12/18/12 10:27pm- 12/20/12 8:38pm

embarrassed for you
(making no impression)

you, unmet in passing.
there is nothing to walk off.
you missed a step and nothing more.
there is no use in me feeling
embarrassed for you.
to be properly introduced by your
genuine moment is to actually meet.

you, bruised ego.
blushing cheeks will dissolve once you
learn to laugh at yourself.
this moment only lives with us as long
as you’ll let it.
after your stumble is just this feeling
you’ll soon be forgetting.

you, still mannered.
watch where your going next time why
don’t you?
be where you are while you are there.
come stand with me & watch the same
step claim so many after you.
see them making no impression.

12/18/12 2:29pm – 12/18/12 3:55pm

pearland municipal court

all there is to do is think while in line waiting.
my ears perk to heated conversations.
making it hard to concentrate on my own
reasons for waiting.

although we are all here for different reasons
nothing good is at the end of our wait.
not even the infant who’d baked in her teen
mother’s car is excited to wait.

how many more occasions will find me
standing on this same marble floor waiting?
how many before i learn this building is
never worth the wait?

12/18/12 6:04pm – 8/6/13 5:06pm

the last word in
(take his money as a sign)
(to my pleasant surprise)

it only took four years
to get the last word in
for it to come full circle
from where we started then

i’d sat here ever since
waiting to get even
trying to tip the scales
taking it on the chin

i’d put him out my mind
knowing his days grew thin
& to my pleasant surprise
with time now’s become when

i won’t be there to see
his tiny violin
but take comfort knowing
it’s i who wiped his grin

he didn’t make good on his
so i got the last word in
take his money as a sign
of where we did once begin

12/14/12 11:07am – 1/2/13 10:33pm

wherever they aren’t
(what is becoming of me has always been coming to me)

feel free to quote me.
not because i will forget, but rather to
remind me of who i was after my
shadow casted is no longer recognizable.

like the friends i’ve lost touch with
please send my regards.
wherever they aren’t i hope they are
happy to not be there.

who i am now can not speak for who i
will become, but at the moment who i
am is fine with how the course is being
ran.

fine with the lack of ownership over
the walls i rest between.
fine with no forseeable grandchildren
to offer my mother & father.

facing in a direction completely inward
with little to show for it.
aware of only what brushes against
my body from within these pockets.

always having a moment to spare.
never having a moment too dull.
with no sign of stopping for a quick
way to break the silence.

but only a fool would believe he has
any more ownership over who he is
than over the walls he temporarily
rests between.

i had little say in the enviroments
production of me & will have little say.
my only choice in the matter whether
to breathe through my nose or mouth.

from the weighing of my options
watch the way i work transforming
i’m slipping into the morning
on my back into adoption

into the first glimpse of a state
where she doesn’t keep me around
to write about making her wait
instead of coming to lie down

or into the last name taken
with inheritors to awaken
after following thirty-three
turns out to be them chasing me

& let me be the first to say
what’s coming will be the day
that I regret wishing the grey
would come much sooner than late

every instance that could be chalked
up to pure coincidence.
but is now known better than to insult
what is well designed.

every ounce of luck that i’ve squeezed
into half empty glasses to tip the scales.
but not knowing who to begin asking
what will be the catch.

what is becoming of me has always
been coming to me.
& every measured ounce & instance
moves what will closer to what is.

by the time i come back to this i may
be reading it for the first time.
but no sense lies in watching grass
grow to kill time until hair does the same.