turning fall into fell – 6/27/13

6/27/13 2:41pm – 12/15/13 1:51pm

turning fall into fell
(didn’t even turn out a chair iii)

if the unhappy me is what makes them happy
then what else can i be besides destined to fail
if the unwell me is what they think turns out well
tripping over two feet is what they’d have of me
over standing up and turning fall into fell

outside of self – 6/19/13

6/19/13 1:28pm – 6/19/13 1:33pm

outside of self

in times where i am the most turned inward
i will count the other living breathings within
sight to remind myself that there is an existence
outside of self.

writing to describe what my face looks like reflecting off a droplet of water that perfectly describes what i feel like – 6/19/13

6/19/13 1:56pm – 6/19/13 2:17pm

writing to describe what my face looks like reflecting off a droplet of water that perfectly describes what i feel like

from the top of my head to the tip of my nose it all looks the same.
unfocused dead eyes focused on what lies inside behind them.
but directly beneath that tip my mouth to my chin have been turned
to rubber stretching thin and far from where they usually land.
it was not for my reflection to decide, but no smile is worn which makes
for especially thin pursed lips that look ready, but are aimed at nothing and no one.

my father’s lunch on father’s day – 6/16/13

6/16/13 4:12pm – 6/23/13 6:51pm

my father’s lunch on father’s day

completely forgetting the conversation i’d had the prior evening i sat there
debating over whether or not i could afford my father’s lunch on father’s day
rather than being thankful that i could eat lunch with him.
i spent the first half of the meal really struggling internally , but you know
ultimately i settled on not treating him.
treating him for what would have been the very first time to boot.
out of my head and back to the table i noticed that a couple tables over,
my uncle by complete coincidence, was seated with his daughters enjoying
their own father’s day meal together.
hello and hugs were in order and afterward we were back to our respective
tables to finish our meals.
when the check landed and i didn’t motion my father hesitantly took it,
but not before joking that someone else should be getting it.
we shared in a nervous laugh as we exited the booth to make our way
to the cashier.
we gave my uncle and cousins a single wave goodbye from the both of us to
avoid what is often repeated in hellos & goodbyes.
after he payed and we made our way out the door i payed him a more suited
goodbye for a father on father’s day.
we made loose plans to get together both knowing they’d fall through.
we parted and i lingered behind over a post-meal cigarette when my uncle
and cousins walked outside.
wearing such a proud look on his face he told me that my younger cousin had
picked up the bill and that it was in fact the first holiday that had been the case.
i felt the lowest while smiling through everything that had been said already
in hello.
hoping there would be another chance to get the check.

talking my way out of this one – 6/16/13

6/16/13 1:40am – 6/23/13 3:16pm

talking my way out of this one
(accidentally inappropriate small talk with a friend without a father on the eve of father’s day)

“what are you up to tomorrow for fath..?”, i asked stuttering to a stop.
three-fourths the way through i had snapped to before i could finish
my very ill-timed question.
showing me mercy by playing it cool he replied, “uhh..not much. going
to her parents house in the evening for dinner is as far as we’ve planned.
why? what do you have going on?”
“not much really..my family, if they make plans, do not do so until the
very last minute so i have nothing planned as of yet. and if i do receive a
call tomorrow morning it will be to meet them at the restaurant that gives
the best ratio of shortest driving distance to highest calorie count, haha”,
i laughed tacking humor onto the end of my rambling.
still i continued trying to make a window out of my mouth, “..just wanted
to see if you would want to hang out sometime during the day if they don’t
get back to me..”
“..yeah. just keep me posted”, he said looking drained by my long winded
way of saying let’s hang out.
“cool cool.”
with a mouth that could not be trusted i frustratingly resigned myself to
internal conversation.
i coached myself, “talk too small to see does not mean you can check out
with a mouth still moving”.

what happened today: – 6/15/13

6/15/13 10:14pm – 7/3/13 3:26am

what happened today:
(proved fruitless)
(in bored retaliation)

i awoke trying to recall a dream that had not ever happened
convinced i had only just forgotten it.
my searching eventually turned to a bother that would follow
me for much more of my day than it should have.
i worked at the record store until one pm before asking to be
let out of work early since i can’t think the way i like to be able
to while clocked in.
after my searching proved fruitless i sat alone on blackholes’s
outside patio over coffee while working out a piece based on
lyrics zahira had written for her song “painless mouth”.
i planned a well-timed interruption by inviting chris to meet
me at the cafe after giving enough of myself to my time.
we carpooled to try an argentinian restaurant per chris’
i ordered and ate a caprese salad, a vegetarian argentine
sandwich served hot but that was meant to be served cold,
and a diet coke.
i also ate a bag of lays bbq chips on the house, but did not order them.
on the way out chris took a free “cafe argentina” postcard to later give
to zahira as his way of saying “look what you missed out on”.
we drove to grandprize in the museum district for happy hour
and i ordered a well gin & tonic to chris’s non-happy hour maker’s
on the rocks.
zahira called me towards the end of my drink to confirm that
she would like to join us for the movie “jazz abstractions” chris
& i had planned on seeing at the museum around seven.
..and that she’d also like a sandwich waiting for her when she
gets off work at six.
chris & i drove to the museum of fine arts to purchase her ticket
in advance in fear of the showing selling out.
we picked her up a way less satisfying  vegetarian sandwich from
subway compared to the argentinian one i had earlier & made
sure to let her know it when we picked her up with the postcard.
we went back to the museum to watch the film about early
animation in the thirty’s set to jazz in the museum’s auditorium.
then back to the same cafe patio for our friends band’s benefit
show and another coffee in tandem.
for a nightcap we had more well drinks at double trouble.
a couple about our age laughed at me and took a picture of my
outfit from afar inside of the bar.
i approached them and made it very apparent i was taking a
picture of them as well.
the miserable girl told me. “but yours didn’t have a flash. it’s
not going to turn out well”.
to which i quickly replied, “believe me it does not make any
difference with you guys..”.
i did not make anyone of my friends or girlfriend aware
of this interaction.
for the rest of the night the couple stared at my table laughing
in bored retaliation.
i made accidentally inappropriate small talk with a friend
without a father on the eve of father’s day.
i talked my way out of it just barely.
on the way home i told zahira about my interaction with the
couple earlier in the night to explain what seemed like their
unprovoked odd behavior.
for the entire ride to drop her off at her car we argued about
my “mistake” in not telling her sooner.
i drove home feeling as if i could not win.

proof of her painless mouth – 6/14/13

6/14/13 9:52pm – 6/22/13 12:36pm

proof of her painless mouth

this time she wasn’t seeing things
six legged creatures did appear
they came for her some wearing wings
in conversation as she feared

she’d been working towards a well her
telling herself they are not here
i can’t bring myself to tell her
i too see them coming near

still i put to rest her worry
with conversation that i steer
telling her i’m in no hurry
to leave her twitching to stay clear

six legged creatures did appear
in conversation as she feared
i too see them coming near
won’t leave her twitching to stay clear

keeping poised in public – 6/1/13

6/1/13 8:51pm – 6/1/13 9:22pm

keeping poised in public

why did i tell him where I was?
i don’t feel like hanging out.
it’s nothing against him it’s just a matter of wanting to be alone.
i was looking forward to seeing what was going to come from
writing on the topic of “keeping poised in public”.
i had what i think is an interesting thing happen to me that inspired it:
ash from my cigarette fell on my suit jacket and in an attempt to brush
it off i wound up burning my pants when I leaned in.
but he’s here.