1/30/13 11:25am – 1/30/13 12:35pm
one to talk
(my life you’ve turned into a laugh)
(a man sitting on a park bench is reading his favorite
childhood book when he spots an old friend walking
up out of the corner of his page)
“randy?! is that you?”
“in the flesh” (arms open)
“my god man how have you been?”
“i’m doing real well man. newly single,
looking for a place, but i got a nice job.
just punched in actually. can’t wait to be off.”
“but we are outside at a park..where did you punch in?”
“right here buddy” (points to head & taps twice)
“well what did you start your own business or something?”
“in a way..yeah” (palms up tilting them back & forth)
“so what do you do now?”
“oh, i steal books. man it’s great work.
easy way to make a hard livings what i say, haha.
that’s what i’m always saying! haha” (laughing profusely)
“so you are “clocked in” right now?”
(waving quotation fingers exaggeratively)
“yeah, man i am.. (staring intently without blinking).
why don’t you make it easy for the both of us & just give
me that copy of sideways stories from wayside school?”
“c’mon man! why not? are you holding it for your kid or
something? i don’t care what he or she says they wouldn’t
enjoy it as much as i would”
“wait..what? i dont have a kid! it’s a good book! this things
got replay value.
& your just going to sell it. how could you possibly enjoy
it as much as even my supposed child?”
“well geez man i didnt mean anything by it. most people
i steal from don’t seem to get this upset about a missing
book to tell you the truth. you can go ahead and keep
your kiddy book if you’d like” (spoken sincerely)
“it’s a good book for the last time. i’d gladly give it to you
when i’m done rereading to prove you wrong if i knew you
werent going to just sell it.
tell me this how does a guy like you fall into peddling stolen
books anyways? is the union better than it was down with
the fellows who stole packing peanuts?” (working himself
to a chuckle after frustration)
“hey man, thats my life you’ve turned into a laugh. times
are tough man.
& if you think i’m a crook you should see what those clowns
at half-price books are paying me for them”
“why don’t you steal something with a little more trade-in value?
hardly seems worth the time stealing books when you don’t get much
for them. but you’ll get in just as much trouble if your caught. let me
think..like don’t you want to steal this phone?”
“oh no, stef’s the phone girl around here. i wouldn’t dare step on her
toes. there’s a level of artistic integrity us petty thieves try to stay
bottomed out at. it’s pretty low, but we ain’t getting lower. besides i
think i could really make a name for myself as the book thief around
here. i’m not sure if i’d be appreciated in my time, but most of the
greats never were. but if it were all about fame i’d probably just be
another diamond heist guy. i even have a brainstorming session
scheduled later just to come up with a good nick-name for
when they write about me in the papers”
“i guess.. i get what your saying” (phones gone missing by now)
“well hey man i really hate asking for anything. especially on
account of im just used to stealing from people all day,
but do you have any change you could spare? a cigarette?
books? haha, just kidding referential joke”
“i may have some change (digging through pocket). you
know i love to help where i can. you know the malt liquor
you’re probably going to buy costs $3.89, but you could get
a library card for free”
“that a fact? man here i am reaching into the pockets of
the working man when i could be taking from those pigs
over in washington”
“i work over at the library you know”
“& i’ll be seeing you very soon”
“right..well here’s a dollar”
“thanks buddy. your a real pal” (cutting off other fellow)
“actually do you have change for the dollar?”
“yeah..i mean yeah.”
“could you just give me back a quarter?”
“yeah. sure sure”
“you know they raised the damn toll prices to a $1.25 now.
can you believe it? those vampires will just about try anything
to bleed my wallet these days. I always need to keep a silver
on me just in case. you understand”
“holy hell do i. i mean i steal books, but i’d have the gun
to my head from the days start to finish if i had that job.
as opposed to just having a gun to my head once we are
done here to days finish”
“yeah, you are one to talk”